Stages of Drowning

It’s the summer of 2023, and I’m at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. I’ve just finished my first year of a master’s degree at the University of Michigan, but I’m having doubts about continuing in music. Looking for a change of pace after a year filled with failed ensemble auditions, endless etudes, and overwhelming self-imposed pressure to play perfectly 24/7, I decided to attend the Nief-Norf Festival. For two weeks, we would collaborate with composers and premiere new works.

One of the pieces I received was Stages of Drowning for flute, piano, and three percussionists by Marc Perez, a Los Angeles-based composer and trombonist. My first reaction? What the actual ____. In this piece, I would essentially play the role of someone drowning and dying. Ninety percent of my part involved breathing into the flute, breathing and screaming into the flute, and hyperventilating into the flute—until I metaphorically drowned. There were no written notes, no arpeggios, scales or rhythms. Nothing requiring a “beautiful tone”. Just me, myself, and dying a horrible death.

The first rehearsals were uncomfortable and vulnerable. I felt self-conscious and dizzy, unsure if I could bring the commitment and energy the piece deserved. At one point, I had to step out because I got emotional and started to cry. (Side note: Marc, the musicians, and the faculty were all incredibly supportive, kind, and wonderful to work with.) The feelings I was experiencing stemmed from the unhealthy mindset I had developed during my degree—where I constantly felt like I wasn’t doing enough and was always chasing an unattainable idea of perfection.

Then, during the dress rehearsal, I had a breakthrough. I decided to let go and fully commit to the role, embracing the raw vulnerability and uncomfortable, even ugly, sounds necessary to convey the horror of drowning. I breathed, coughed, screamed, and gasped for one final breath before launching into an intense improvisation session with pianist Vicky Chow. I fought with everything I had to survive, but in the end, had to accept that I was dying. I exhaled my last breath, and everything went dark.

After the performance, I realized just how powerful the experience had been—not just for me, but for the audience as well. Several people told me how deeply it had affected them. Some had to leave the room. Marc told me I had star power (thank you so much Marc), and for the first time in a long while I believed in myself.

I walked away from this experience feeling invigorated and empowered, with a renewed sense of purpose. Most importantly, I had let go of the unhealthy pressure I had been placing on myself. I was reminded of why I love what I do—especially my passion for new music and collaborating with composers to create and explore bold, unconventional sounds and raw emotions. If I could fully commit to and successfully perform that piece, I knew I was capable of anything. And interestingly enough, not long after the festival, I had the best audition of my life.

Access the full performance of Stages of Drowning by Marc Perez here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69mHpfjx3jg

Check out Marc’s website here: https://www.marcperezmusic.com/